Insecurity: The Personality Killer

Finding freedom from insecurity in your life, relationships and yourself, and learning to be okay with the process.

Before I begin, I just want to say that I am nowhere near mastering my insecurity. I am, however, working toward overcoming it. Because of my husband, I have been given the grace and help to work through so many of my insecurities. Without him and his patience, I don't know where I would be.

When I was getting ready for work this morning I remembered an instance from months ago when I was with a friend looking back at photos from an event. I had always considered this friend to be one of the most beautiful and perfect people I knew. Not just in her physical appearance but her countenance as well. Looking through the photos I noticed that with most of the ones she was included in she had something to say about her appearance. I didn't pay any mind to it right away, but as we continued on for a ½ hour it started to stick with me. Of course, I brushed it off or told her she was "totally wrong" in the moment, but I didn't get the revelation until this morning.

See, I had viewed her to be incomparable in grace and beauty. However, she did not view herself the same way. Not to say she thought she was hideous, but everyone has something(s) that they don't like about themselves. There are some people you see, however, and you don't even consider that. Because as an outsider you're looking at the whole package. Most of the time you don't critique every detail but you look at someone beautiful and assume everything about them is beautiful. How could they have flaws? But they most likely see themselves entirely different. You see, no one person is perfect in every way, except in one. That they are uniquely themselves. No one else CAN be you. No one else WILL be you.

How many times do you look at something about yourself that you don't like and you end up trashing your whole self? Saying, "I'm just ugly", "I'll never be perfect like her" or "I'll never be as good looking as he is". When in reality someone is looking at you and saying the exact same thing. It's WAY too easy to discount ourselves just because of one thing. I don't like it and I don't want anyone to have to go through that. I can only try to encourage and uplift those I come in contact with, hoping they get a glimpse of the way they truly are: uniquely beautiful.

You ARE beautiful! And in reality, people are not as hard on you as you would be on yourself.

You ARE beautiful! And in reality, people are not as hard on you as you would be on yourself. You have the option to be your biggest critic or your biggest fan.

I was really able to see this when getting to know my (now) husband, Matt. Being my first and only boyfriend, you can assume I was pretty self-aware when it came to the way I looked. I had never really considered wanting to look "good" for someone specific before, so I found myself always checking the mirror before going to hang out with him. There was one thing about myself though I couldn't change or "fix up". That was (is) a large scar on my right hand just above my pointer finger knuckle. A few years back I had gotten a teeny tiny wart on my hand which I had to have frozen. The doctor, however, must've been having an off day because she spilled the liquid nitrogen on my hand and burned the skin surrounding the wart. Now keep in mind, this wart was around the size of a pencils lead and I now had a burn on my hand the size of a quarter. I know in the grand scheme of things this was not a huge deal (except it totally crushed my dream of being a hand model :P just kidding) but to me it was big and I was VERY self-conscious about it.

Fast forward past the yucky healing process and I'm left with this white/pink blotchy spot on my hand. I always tried to cover it so it wouldn't be noticeable because I didn't want to have to lie if anyone asked about it. When Matt did finally notice it, I just told him it was a burn because it was still early in our relationship and I didn't want to seem disgusting. A year later, we're married and I finally tell him my scar is from a wart. He didn't seem too concerned about it though and proceeded to tell me how that scar was one of his favorite things about me (love does funny things to a person).

That really was a defining moment for me and the way I saw myself. Something I had worked so hard to conceal because I thought it deemed me unworthy, was actually something the one I love liked about me. Now that may sound really silly, but I promise you there are similar instances in your life. You may not know it or see it yet, but someone does love or appreciate the things you don't deem beautiful. Likewise, Jesus takes the ugly things in your life, whether circumstantial or self-inflicted and turns them into a masterpiece when you submit yourself to his love. If Matt can love me because of the silly little things that make me, me; then imagine how much more the Creator of all life loves you. Simply because he made you the way you are. I can guarantee you one thing too, you do NOT have to be insecure with Jesus. He has proven that he loves you no matter what because he died for you. He died so that he could have an eternal relationship with you. You can't find that with anyone else. People will fail you, and give you reasons to feel insecure, but if you anchor your identity in Jesus...then none of that matters. That insecurity is only powerful if you give voice to it.

Similar to what I said in my last post about comparison, it's all about making a choice. You CHOOSE to listen to the voice of insecurity. You give power to that voice by acting on what it says. In turn, your confidence is damaged and you're crippled by the lies that you come to believe.

Insecurity is only powerful if you give voice to it.

Through life's circumstances, I had come to believe a lot of lies about myself and my ability to be loved. One bad/absent relationship had set me on a course to believe that no one could love me. Even after going through church groups, bible college and being surrounded by good friends, I still sometimes have a hard time believing someone can TRULY love me. Now don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I used to be, but it's a process. It took 15 years to believe that no one loved me, and though God can transform us in a moment, I've found most of the time he loves to work in processes. You know, I'm okay with that though. It teaches me to trust, to be patient, to listen, to wait, to seek... it builds my character to places it wouldn't be otherwise. It gives me a message to share as well to hopefully encourage others in their process.

Like I said before, a lot of this has been overcome because of my husband. By receiving his love, it not only changed my perspective about myself but others' as well. In turn, I've been able to silence insecurities in my relationships. I have been more open and friendly with new people because I feel more secure in myself.

When you are able to quiet that voice and find security within yourself and who you are in Jesus, then NOTHING can hold you back. You will find it easier to talk to strangers, to try something new, to be friendly with the cashier at Walmart, etc.. Most of the time you'll find that the only thing holding you back is yourself.

One last story, and then I will end this for now. In creating and preparing this site for my blog things went pretty smooth up until the night I was wanting to publish it. I was having issues with the page that my blog was posting to as it was in the wrong category and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why it wouldn't post to the right one. I spent probably 2 hours of my evening angry, searching, deleting, replacing things on this blog and it just wouldn't work. I was blinded by my anger and held back by my inability to see beyond that. Now, this wasn't an instance where I was insecure, but insecurity like anger is a negative emotion that tries to control our actions. In this specific situation, I allowed my anger to control me to an extent (thank you Lord I have a pretty good measure of self-control or my computer would've been hurled from the window) and because of that, I was not able to calmly find a solution. After much drama and whining, my husband came in and click, click, done! The issue was resolved.

I will be honest with you, I have not felt like such a fool in a long time. I had gotten SO worked up. If I had remained calm and not allowed my anger to get out of control, then I could've very easily found the solution myself. My anger had held me back from reaching my potential and though I failed at that moment, my husband still loves me.

Anger is similar to insecurity in that it tries to come in and control your life, emotions, and relationships. If you listen to it and act on it, it WILL keep you from reaching your potential, being your best self and accepting yourself/others. It's not always easy to overcome but if you keep trying and keep trying, one day you won't hear that voice anymore. You'll find yourself walking taller and feeling more adventurous. You'll find joy being restored back into your life and relationships. Remember, it takes a good person(s) being around you to encourage and support you in your process. Don't be discouraged if it takes time because you're building character and you'll find your message in that. Finally, remember that Jesus loves you and accepts you. You do not have to be insecure with him.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts, encouragements, and questions.

Until next time,

Hanna Norton